One of the biggest obstacles to asking for help is the belief we should be able to do something by ourselves. Many clients tell me, “I know how to do this. I shouldn’t need someone else here to help me.”
Just because we know how to do something doesn’t mean we can stay focused on it long enough to get it done. Getting someone to help with the work you’re not getting done is like putting on reading glasses. You don’t need the glasses to learn how to read. You need the glasses to bring the text into focus. Having another person with you acts the same way. In many cases, you don’t need the person to tell you what to do. You need the other person to allow you to focus and think.
Importance is not enough
Some people get things done because they have decided they are important. That’s all it takes. They know it needs to be done and their brains kick into gear and they act. They are the lucky ones.
Then there is everybody else. Many people, particularly those with ADHD, have brains that don’t respond to importance alone. There has to be another “hook,” either real or manufactured. “Real” hooks are inherent to how a person perceives a task, things like interest, fun, challenge, novelty and urgency.
When there are no naturally occurring hooks, we can manufacture them. We find ways to kick the activation part of the brain into gear, and allow it to focus. Here are some common manufactured hooks:
- delay (creates urgency)
- pairing with something enjoyable (listening to music while studying)
- caffeine or stimulant medication
- drama
- another person
Different things hook different people, but the point is, importance alone will not do it. You must find the hook that works for you, and preferably, one that is not detrimental to your well being.
It’s like broccoli …
Imagine a healthy food that you really don’t like. For me, it’s broccoli. I know broccoli is very healthy and something I want in my diet. And I certainly know how to eat! But eating broccoli does not come naturally. I have to force myself. And even when I force myself, I can only eat so much, before I literally start gagging. My mouth and throat revolt and say, “NO MORE!”
Does this mean I never eat broccoli? No, I find ways to dress it up, like eating it as part of a delicious stir-fry. Or grilled and dressed in a nice balsamic glaze. I bring in other accompaniments that make it much more palatable. I find the hook that allows me to easily chew and swallow broccoli, because I know it’s nutritious and I sincerely want to eat it.
A brain that is not stimulated by importance, is acting very similar to my mouth and broccoli. It’s shutting down in the face of a task it finds aversive, even though it knows how to do the task and even though it believes the task is important.
For a brain that is not inherently stimulated by a task (and who really enjoys filing?), having another person present can make all the difference in the world.
Enlisting help to do the tasks that you know are important, yet your brain revolts against, is a very responsible, sensible thing to do. You’re finding the way to activate your brain so that you can focus and get it done. Instead of asking, “Why can’t I do this myself?” try asking, “How can I get this done?”